The Master Of Potion's Notions
by cheesysticks
Summary: Dumbledore's a busy,busy man. Too busy to reply to all those pesky owls! But he reckons he's found a man that's up for the job. Meet Hogwarts first ever Agnoy Aunt Severus Snape come on down!


**The Master Of Potions Notions**

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**AN**: Okay so the title's weak but give it a try anyway! Any comments are greatly appreciated but you must of course feel free to do whatever you please! This fic is AU and OOC, a bit like everything else I write then maybe one day I'll be daring and different or more likely I'll try to be and fail miserably! Enjoy the story!

**Disclaimer**: Oh! If only it were mine!

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**Chapter 1: Forced To Accept**

"Who's that I spot in the mirror there?

With the sallow skin and the long greasy hair.

And the yellow teeth and the big hooked nose

Well I have an idea who it is I suppose

His eyes are as black as the sky late at night

Do you know who he is? I imagine you might.

He stares into the mirror and examines his reflection

He sees Severus Snape, Potion's Master. Pure Perfection."

"I'll have to write that one down", Severus Snape mused allowed.

He was bored, plain and simple and staring at himself approvingly in the mirror, no matter how rewarding an experience it was every time, was not going to solve anything. Snape sighed. What exactly did all the other Potion Master's of the world get up to late on a Thursday night?? Were they too sitting in cold draughty dungeons wishing that they had found a reason to put everyone of their students in detention? He very much doubted it. Suddenly Severus remembered his own professor for potions Horace Slughorn. What would he be up to right now? Maybe he was taking a bath. "A bath would be a very welcome thing right now.", said Snape. "Very welcome indeed, but I simply cannot just give Moaning Myrtle the opportunity she's been longing for, she will not be seeing my unmentionables, no sir! Not tonight. Not tomorrow night...Not even the night after that!"

A knock on the door caused Snape to hide under his desk in a panic and the door swung open revealing the Headmaster of the school Albus Dumbledore.

"Severus", he began "urgent news."

Severus peered over his desk cautiously "Headmaster…?, he began enquiringly

"It's like this", continued Dumbedore "the students of Hogwarts...well they have problems."

Severus nodded "They certainly do Headmaster, I have told Miss Granger repeatedly that there are hair products out on the market for that nest that resides on her head but there's no telling that girl!". He was about to move on to describing the abysmal state that Harry Potter's hair was in but stopped himself when he noticed that Dumbledore was looking at him as though he had just announced that he wore only a skimpy bikini beneath his robes. All of a sudden it dawned on Severus why he was receiving the aforementioned look and his face lit up in comprehension he hurriedly attempted to explain himself.

"Obviously Headmaster, we are not all blessed with hair like mine, but place the hair of Hogwart's student body in my capable hands and I guarantee Hogwarts popularity will shoot up by at least 17.6!"

"I shall keep that in mind", Dumbledore replied, "but strangely enough that is not in fact the issue."

"I see..."

There was a long pause.

A very long pause.

It was so long a pause that it got to the point where Severus thought his blood was actually boiling, he was going to burst, he'd reached breaking point, his eyes were probably bulging out of their sockets, he was going to pull of Dumbledore's beard, he wanted to rip out his own hair in frustration, if Dumbledore didn't break the silence then he certainly ad no reservations about doing so himself, he would huff and he would puff and he--

"Headmaster", said Severus in a small voice "What exactly is the issue then??"

The old man smiled. "Well, Severus I seem to constantly get pestered with owls and what I need is -.."

Severus interrupted "Professor there was absolutely nothing in the job description about having to build machines to trap large numbers of owls! I merely skimmed the contract of course, but I skimmed it 3 or 4 times and I'm sure that section would have caught my attention!"

"Severus", Dumbledore said kindly "Do try to stop panting, breathing like a pregnant woman in a tediously long labour does not become you."

"It's not usually how I roll", was the muttered explanation Dumbledore received.

" Anyway", Dumbledore continued as though Snape had not spoken "I get bothered constantly by these silly owls, people are forever writing to me for advice and I just do not have enough time…. or quills to reply to them all...I do run a school you know and it's a very nice one!"

Severus cleared his throat, "What exactly are you saying sir?"

"As I have already stated Severus _I_ may not have enough time and quills but _you_ do! I gave you a box of quills for Christmas!"

"You did sir, but they were Sugar Quills...so obviously I am sadly not equipped for the job" Severus did his very best to arrange his features into a grave expression but upon catching a glimpse of himself in his mirror noted that had he actually deliberately set out to try and resemble a constipated giraffe he honestly could not have done a better job.

"I see from your face that you're extremely cut up about this Severus but never fear! I shall place an order for a box of those colour changing quills you like so much!"

"Well, I just can't thank you enough sir", said Snape making absolutely no effort to hide the sarcasm and resentment in his voice.

Dumbledore smiled brightly, "it's not at all a problem! Now these crazy kids write a lot of letters so I hope you're ready!"

"W-w-what??" Snape spluttered. "K-kids! Yo-you want ME to w-write to k-k-kids??"

"Frankly my dear professor I cannot think of anyone better for the job. You'll get given your first problem to respond to tomorrow so be prepared. You're Hogwarts first ever Agony Aunt! Rest easy!" And with that Dumbledore left the room.

Severus sank down into his chair Dumbledore's words still swimming round his head. Hogwarts Agony Aunt?? Him?? Merlin help those kids! Quite frankly Snape decided being bored seemed so much more preferable now!

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AN: Yes, sorry two of these in one chapter! I thought I could maybe trick some of you into reviewing this! Should I continue this fic? Or is it back to the drawing or rather writing board for me? Any thoughts? Let me know!


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